I’d be mad too.

A fan of radio shock jock Howard Stern was overjoyed when he thought he had spotted Stern in Beverly Hills according to the National Inquirer. When the tall, shaggy-haired figure emerged from a limo the man rushed up yelling, “Yo, Howard, I am such a huge fan, man!” Then he realized that it was actress and pop star, Cher. Cher yelled back, “What in hell did you have for breakfast this morning? A bowl of stupid?”

Speaking of love.

Have you heard about the Coral Castle of Florida? Its located twenty-five miles south of Miami on US Highway 1.

This thing was built by a Latvian immigrant named Edward Leedskainin who left his home country in 1918 when his sixteen-year-old sweetheart jilted him for another man. He came to America, bought ten acres of land in what then was a remote area and proceeded to build all by himself a Taj Mahal for the woman who left him. He spent 25, some say 28, years building his monument by himself without any special tools other than rope block and tackle. The coral blocks used in the walls and the tower alone weigh a thousand tons. It has a working sun dial, a Polaris telescope, coral rocking chairs that weigh tons and are so finely balanced that they rock.

The courtyard is full of coral furniture consisting of tables, chairs and benches. The blocks came from a piece of property he owned that was ten miles away. He did the quarry work too. The only modern convenience he used was a hired truck to haul the blocks to the building site. He didn’t own a car. He rode a bicycle three miles to buy sardines and milk. He was five feet tall and weighed a hundred pounds. Photos of him show a man with no sense of humor. He looked like a man who could have driven a hearse and made the corpse wear a seat belt on the way to the cemetery. Her name was Agnes Scuffs and she never saw or set foot in the castle built he for her. Today you can see a Burger King from the castle wall.

You can find out all you want to know about the Coral Castle by typing “Coral Castle Florida” in MSN search. (Photo courtesy of the University of South Florida)

Now you know Dept.

I saw a cartoon where a man is sitting across from fortune teller staring at the crystal ball on a table. The fortune teller tells him, “You have to shake it if you want to see snow again.”

Sign of the times.

A patient in a doctor’s examination room asks the doctor, “Can’t you diagnose me with something you have free samples for?”

Would that I could write such a phrase.

“and the weary moon in heaven lights her lamp in vain.” Anton Chekov (1860-1904) in The Seagull.

And now a failure of language.

Brenda Buescher wrote Word Fugitives in the Atlantic Monthly for a word for her husband’s uncanny ability to ask her if she needs help the precise moment she is finishing the task.

Think we’re bad off?

The annual inflation rate in Zimbzbwe is 165,000%. It took 30,000 Zimbabwean dollars to buy one American dollar in March. The government is issuing ten million dollar bills. Ten million Zimbabwean dollars will buy two rolls of toilet paper. An egg costs 5 million and it costs 1.8 billion to gas up your car.

Update on the glories of political correctness.

Today no respectable fairytale princess would have seven dwarves. Snow White would have instead an agent, stylist, life coach, personal assistant, lawyer, publicist and an accountant.

So you’re not worried about being struck by a meteor?

Scientists in Bosnia are investigating a report that a Bosnian man’s house has been hit five times by meteors. Radivoje Lajic says extra terrestrials have targeted him and he doesn’t know what he did to annoy them. The scientists are testing for unusual magnetic fields in the area. They don’t know either. I think it’s the extra terrestrials throwing rocks myself.

Advice.

“Don’t wrestle with a pig,” says Senator Bob Dole. “Both of you get dirty and the pig likes it.”

The sex scientists are at it again.

According to this bunch, great sex doesn’t last all night long. I confess, sadly, that I wouldn’t know. The optimal time is about the same time it takes to microwave a burrito. They say 13 minutes is about right. Longer and it gets tiresome. They conclude with, “Most people’s sex lives are not as exciting as other people think they are.”

So you’re an artist.

Two paintings by Towan, a 40-year-old orangutan in Seattle’s Woodland Park Zoo, sold for $1,300.00 at an auction. Wonder if he would do a column?

On being famous.

In a thoughtful article about fame, featuring the travails of Brittany Spears, and the paparazzi in the Atlantic Monthly, author David Samuels concludes that, “The paparazzi exist for the same reason stars exist: we want to see their pictures. Happier, wealthier, wildly more beautiful, partying harder, driving better cars, they live lives that the rest of us can only dream about, until the party ends and we are confirmed in our belief that it is better, after all, not to be them.”

Another great wordsmith.

Vanity Fair editor, Graydon Carter’s famous remark that. “9/11 had slain irony.”

If ye speak good words of truth!

Critic B. R. Myers says, “People who cannot distinguish between good and bad language are unlikely to think carefully about anything else.”

More on our fascination with medication.

Virginia Postrel says in her article, The Art of Healing in Atlantic Monthly, that in a study, “(P)atients in sunny rooms rated their stress and pain lower and took 22% less pain medication each hour.”

Fashion.

At Louboutin Boutique on Horatio Street in New York, a girl can get herself a pair of 28” leather boots for a mere $1,790.00 plus tax. Twenty-eight inches high with no laces or zippers. The salesman, Michael Nitis says, “I’m not going to lie to you. It’s going to take a good five minutes to put them on and a lot of wiggling around.” He also advises, “You don’t want to send a pair of these home with a woman who lives alone. This boot is work.”

I used to be an instructor. Maybe I could teach a class.

I could have said it better myself-Excuses for traffic accidents from the Toronto Sun.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and hit a tree I don’t have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary truck going the other way.

The truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.

I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

A telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front of my car.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.

I told the police I was not injured but when I removed my hat I found out that I had a skull fracture.

I saw the slow-moving, sad faced-faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

As I approached the intersection, a stoplight suddenly appeared in a place no stoplight had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid an accident.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

I was on my way to the dentist with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

I was just in the midst of changing my tire when my car ran away.

This is AD, or the politically correct, and enlightened 2108 CE.

Important scientific details about human physiology and psychology have achieved spotty dissemination among the menfolk of this vale of tears. The male population in Congo walks around these days like soccer players defending a free kick. It seems that sorcerers in this enlightened West African country have been engaged in penis snatching. A touch from said sorcerer will shrink this appendage and render it incapable of functioning in its God given “Be fruitful and multiply,” function. A few years ago a Ghanaian mob beat a dozen suspected penis snatchers to death. In Congo 13 suspects are in protective custody. A reporter explained it this way. “The threat of being left without your manhood is not taken lightly in West Africa.”

I hope they don’t deport these sorcerers to the United States. Especially during an election year.

Gene Alston